I think I am morally bankrupt
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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