He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
