she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize