just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
