oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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