Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
