He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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