What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
