you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
