Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're a waste of cheezeits
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
