You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
