Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
