dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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