I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize