So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
