My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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