I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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