Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
