i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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