so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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