You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
