why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
