My sheets look like a crime scene.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
