I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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