Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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