There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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