When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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