eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
