i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
