Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
