i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
