Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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