the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
