I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
