i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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