scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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