I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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