Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
