im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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