I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
