my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
