I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize