everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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