trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
