I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
