Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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