Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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