I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
