You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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