Michael Bay diarrhea
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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