I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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