Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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