Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
