im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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