I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
