We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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