is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
