i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
