Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
