Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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