I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
