I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
