1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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